Aeonian Winter
by romeoharvey
Summary: It's always darkest before dawn. BA
1. Chapter 1

**Aeonian Winter**

**Chapter 1**

_Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: CI_

_Aeonian Winter : Aeonian Winter : Aeonian Winter_

Alex Eames locked herself in her car, hoping that if she just drove away now she'd forget what she had witnessed moments before. That was just a dim hope, though. In her rational mind, the one that has decided to take a backseat for now, she knows that she will never rid herself of the images, the sounds, and, worst by far, the smell of the place.

A medley of fresh cut flowers, from now on, will always make her slightly ill, make her heart clench and speed up, sensing the hurt that was coming its' way. In a sick sort of way, she's unable to turn the ignition, can't tear eyes away from where the newlyweds will be coming out shortly, to begin the best years of their lives.

"_You only have yourself to blame. So many chances you had to tell him how you feel, wasted. And why, because you cowered away. Because you were afraid of losing him as your partner. Well, guess what? After that screaming match you two had, you've lost him anyways,"_ she scolds herself, not bothering to wipe away the tears of anger and self-loathing flowing softly from her sorrow filled eyes.

As Bobby steps out of the sacred building with his new wife, he searches for someone he thought he saw sitting in the back, a nagging little voice teasing him that it's just wishful thinking. But, he counters, wishes are all that he has left to share with his long time partner. There's no way Eames would show up, not after the way he treated her.

The surge of relief at the second he spot Alex makes him feel guilty, as his new bride is holding onto his hand. Although it's nothing compared to the embarrassment he feels when he realizes he had dragged her a good three feet with him towards Alex's car. Looking at her, he apologizes, saying he thought he saw an old friend turn the corner of the building across from them. She almost angrily yanks his massive form towards their car. Before Bobby gets in, he chances one last glance at his partner, only to have his heart drop somewhere around his knees when he see tear tracks on her face.

In that brief lapse of time, he thinks, "_Do you love me Alex? I love you. Why didn't you even try to stop this today?"_

I love you. This all happened because his new wife, this replacement of Eames said those three precious words to him just over half a year ago. As he take a seat in the car and it drives away, he wishes he could go back to a time brimming with possibilities, and make himself repeat those words to his Alex, then, maybe, the future wouldn't look so dull and empty.

Alex, stoic save for the tears that won't cease, watches Bobby pull out of the parking space, and terribly, out of her life. Now he'll go and have his honeymoon with that bitch, the one that was stupidly clinging to him, all but shouting with her body language, "I have him and you don't, so go to hell."

Maybe he'll come back from vacation and give his two weeks notice. The devils' spawn had been trying to get him to quit the major case squad and choose "something that makes more money". With that nightmare of a thought in her mind, Alex drives recklessly to her apartment, almost missing a red light at a busy intersection and doing thirty miles over the speed limit whenever she can.

Parking her car, she gets out, violently slamming the door and racing up to the blessed privacy of her apartment. Leaning against her door, she locks it with shaking hands. Making an impulsive decision, Alex makes her way to the end table, and picking up her gun, she holds it to her head, finger tightening on the trigger.

_Aeonian Winter : Aeonian Winter : Aeonian Winter_

_Note: I know this seems a bit dark, but I promise, it gets somewhat lighter... No..., no, it really doesn't, but you were hopeful there for a second, weren't you? Please review._


	2. Chapter 2

Alex Eames lay slumped face down on her couch. Her hand occasionally reaching for, then shying away from, the gun she had earlier let fall to the floor. The light that pushed it's way through the curtains on her living room windows had long since faded, and with it, the hope in her heart. Bobby had not called. Alex knows he had seen her, but he had not called.

There was a time he would have rushed over to her had he seen her in tears, wouldn't have left her alone until she told him what was bothering her, but time, and stupid mistakes have a way of destroying that concern. Or at least hiding it very well. Alex prayed every night before she drifted off into a troubled slumber that maybe, against every damaging act they had ever done to one another, even a small part of Bobby's heart reflected back the love she kept just for him, the one that saturated every cell of her body until she became certain that love for Bobby was the only thing she was made of.

As her world began to fade, memories of the past year flooded over Alex.

_Admitting to herself, for the first time ever, that she felt a love for her long time partner that went much deeper than one should feel for a friend. Then struggling to conjure up the courage to admit it to Bobby, but never succeeding._

_Bobby phoning her at nearly three in the morning, so excited it took a couple of minutes for him to achieve coherency and speak straight enough for her to understand; he proposed to the woman he had been dating for just over four months, and she said yes. And herself, congratulating him, hoping he didn't hear the shattering of her heart over the phone._

_Fighting constantly from that day on, about little things, because she wouldn't dare bring up the major issue, for fear that Bobby would see and correctly interpret her jealously. Barely reigning in her temper when _she'd _come to pick him up from a particularly long day at work, or idiotically call when she knew they were on an important case. _

_The tension finally becoming too much; forcing Deakins to call them both into his office, warning them if they couldn't work together, he was ready to split them up._

It was the shrill, too-loud ringing of her phone that pulled Alex into a painful wakefulness. Contorting to grab her purse from somewhere around her feet, she began shuffling around for her cell. Alex answered in a voice that let anyone on the other line know that she was still half asleep, "What the fuck do you want?"

"Good morning to you too, Alex. You're late," Came the slightly offended and angered tone of Captain Deakins.

Gasping as she sat up on the couch with her legs tucked under her, she said, "Captain, I'm sorry. I...-"

She was cut off by Deakins, "Listen Alex, I know you've been troubled lately, and just between you and me, I think I know why. You know I can't go to _my_ boss and use that as an excuse for a missing detective. Now, I'll forget yesterday and Monday, but you have to come in today, there's paperwork flooding over from your desk to mine, and you're dreaming if you think I'm doing it for you."

Taking a deep breath, choosing to ignore the first part, Alex spoke up after a minute, "I'm sorry, Captain, thank you for..., umm, everything. I'll be there in about... an hour?"

Not missing the broken sound of her voice, Deakins made sure his voice was a bit more gentle as he answered, "I'll be waiting."


	3. Chapter 3

**Aeonian Winter**

**Chapter 3**

"_Why didn't I see this coming?"_, is the infuriating question that Bobby Goren asks himself for perhaps the millionth time in the last hour, as he waits for the doctor to bring news on his partner. His body is fitting the straight backed chair perfectly, his expression blank to all observers, but inside he's a fusion of broken thoughts, partially expressed emotions, and half-faded memories, all trying to earn the spotlight in his mind, but only succeeding in muddling it even further.

Tilting his head so that he's staring at the ceiling, Bobby breathes evenly through is nose. After an unknown number of minutes, he closes his eyes, and blocking out the usual sounds of an ER, he tries to dredge up the events of the last few hours from his memory and align them sequentially.

_Enthusiastically walking into the One Police Plaza, grateful to, after a couple of not-so-fun weeks, be back to work, and more importantly, Eames. Rehearsing his apologies to his partner during the elevator ride and while strolling to his desk. _

_Brushing off the sudden feeling of emptiness when he sees that Alex's desk is too neat, and that his coworkers are giving him looks he can only describe as pitying, telling himself that he always arrives earlier than Alex, and his fellow officers have always sent him odd expressions. _

_An hour later finding him worrying and repeatedly glancing at at his watch, his cell phone, and the clock on the wall, wondering why Eames is so late. Worrying even more when he spots Deakins walking towards him with a determined look, as he says, "Bobby, in my office."_

_Refusing to take the offered seat when the captain touches his shoulder in a way one touches when they're seeking to console a friend who has been hurt, but Bobby doesn't even know what the hurt is until Deakins begins talking. "Bobby, you're assigned desk duty until I can find you another partner."_

_Floored, asking, "Why..., why do I need a n-, new partner?"_

_The captain looking away, thinking of a way to answer him. There's no need; Bobby knows the only reason he would ever need a new partner, Alex is gone. The only question, is it somewhere he can follow? _

"_Alex?", he whispers, his voice rising at Deakins' nod as he asks what has to be the most important question of his life, "What happened to Alex!?" _

_Being assaulted with a seemingly infinite amount of images; everything that could have been happening to Alex while he was away. _

_Deakins finally speaking, telling him that Alex has not been in for ten days, and worse, that she had ceased answering her phone three days ago._

That's where his memory grows fuzzy, all he knows is that for the longest time he's cradling a blood-covered, freezing, barely conscious Eames on her kitchen floor, trying to stop any more of the precious dark ruby colored liquid from leaving her body through the hideously deep cuts in her pale arms. Goren doesn't have to look in a mirror to know that no matter how hard he tried, her blood, and life, had still steadily flowed out her; he can smell it, it's covering his hands, and his clothes, and it'll be surprising if he can ever get the now treasured fluid off of himself.

His arms are aching now. Goren knows why; the shouting paramedics had had to pry the nearly lifeless body of his best friend out of his desperate grasp. His head is aching even worse, but his pain is of no consequence to Bobby now, all he cares about is his partner, who was snatched away from and rushed to a room. The woman who had only made soft whimpering noises while he held her, the woman he loves more than anyone has a right to love anyone, and the woman who'll take his heart and soul with her if she leaves.

_Aeonian Winter : Aeonian Winter : Aeonian Winter_

_Note: Thoughts on this? How did the memory sequences go? Did I keep up the angst of earlier chapters? Will I kill off Alex...?_


	4. Chapter 4

"Robert Goren was the strangest, and best man I ever had the honor of knowing, and it was no small amount of pride I felt at having him in my squad. When he was thoughtlessly murdered two weeks ago, he knew he'd be survived by a wife, but he didn't know of the innocent new life they had started."

Pausing to give a consoling look at the recently married, and even more recently widowed woman encased in black, James Deakins can't stop his thoughts from drifting to another woman who should be in the small crown gathered around Goren's coffin, but isn't. Giving himself a mental shake, Deakins continues on with the eulogy of a man he misses too much to simply have brushed off their relationship as captain and detective when the gentle giant of a man had been living.

"He is also survived by us; as life goes on, we will all have moments that will spark memories of this great human being. That is how Bobby Goren will still live on, in how he affected our sense of the world," As he finishes, he takes in one last view of the coffin holding MCS's best detective five years running, before going to stand beside Angie. She instantly grips his arm and buries her face in his neck, sobbing lightly. As Mike gets up to say a few words about his fellow detective, Deakins tunes everything out, thinking briefly of giving into his urge to copy his wife's actions, but then abandons the idea; he's already shed enough tears to last a lifetime, and he has to be coherent for when he goes to check in on Alex.

At the thought of going to see Alex, Deakins feels a sudden rush of regret. For two weeks he had been telling himself that she wouldn't have had a hope of saving Goren from that snipers' shot, but insanely, he still resents Alex for not being there. And that brings on the mountains of guilt; Alex is already tortured enough without having him despise her so much that he can't bear to touch her long enough for a solacing hug. He's truly beginning to hate himself for those thoughtless emotions; they're strong, but in the aftermath, all he's really left with is an overwhelming emptiness, which quickly fills with grief for both of his friends. He hopes Alex can forgive him for his behavior when he had gone to tell her the news on her partner.

_Deakins stares into Alex's sorrowful eyes as he stands just inside the threshold of the doorway to her room, not having the energy, or frankly, desire to take himself closer, to comfort her in any way. He tries to push down the anger that he knows is unreasonable, but he can't. He can't stop from hating the fragile woman sitting on the hospital bed, looking too much like a wounded animal, and a part of him is deeply shamed, but a larger part is strangely satisfied at this. He knows that if he lets go of himself and displays even the slightest hint of the loathing and disgust he feels at her right now, he will break Alex completely, so he tells her in the voice of an emotionless automaton, "Bobby passed away. He was shot walking into the One Police Plaza this morning, we don't know who did it, but Logan and Barek are out questioning witnesses right now." _

_Telling himself that he can't hear her anguished cries, or that he didn't just see her eyes pooling with heavy tears, Deakins races to the stairs, not wanting to wait for an elevator. He doesn't even know he's already down the stairs and out of the building until he's sitting behind the wheel of his car, holding his head in his hands as strangled sobs pour from his heart. "Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry..." , he says to the empty vehicle, a latent expression of sympathy for his detective. _

Deakins thoughts are interrupted as Angie begins tugging him in the direction of the car. The funeral is over, and she knows her husband did all of his good-byes, and most of his grieving, last night. Still, though, Angie holds out her hand wordlessly for the keys, steering Jim to the passenger side as he fishes them out of his pockets. As his wife begins the drive to the hospital, Deakins can only hope that Alex's state has improved over the week and a half he had avoided going to visit her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Aeonian Winter**

**Chapter 5**

_Dear Eames,_

_I'm writing this down, because it seems as if I can never say these things to you. I don't know why, I guess I just get frightened of your reaction, so I shut up, or more often than not, I say something idiotic and hurtful, when all I'm really trying to say is the following:_

_Alex Eames, I am so deep in love with you, sometimes I can't see straight. I certainly couldn't see straight enough to stop myself from picking up Dawn at that somewhat rundown bar I ran to after an argument with you. I don't even remember what the argument was about, it's that insignificant now. But it wasn't insignificant then, and that's all that really matters, isn't it. So I was furious with you, and you won't believe it, as I was taking the view through my half empty glass, I thought that somehow you had tracked me down, because I swear I saw you sitting at the other end of the bar. My anger at you was steadily growing as I tried to comprehend why you would sit in clear view of me, but you wouldn't come over. It was after I drained the glass and looked across from me again that I realized why you hadn't made yourself known; you weren't there at all._

_It was a short, and, sorry to say it, kind of scrawny woman, with dark blonde hair and deep, soulful eyes. She looked so much like you, I was instantly drawn to her, wanting to know that if, like you, she also possessed a sarcastic wit, or if her delicate looking skin similarly masked firm muscles. So I stumble-walked over to her and introduced myself the way I often fantasied about introducing myself to you; as Bobby Goren, a man seeking the companionship of an attractive woman. When she agreed to my awkward request for a date, I had no idea it would lead to marriage, but after that first date, she asked if I wanted to get together with her again, and I found myself saying yes. At first she was just your replacement, but I won't lie to you, I did fall in love with her. Is it as strong a love as I feel for you? Never. But it is there, and even though I had many regrets and second thoughts afterwards, I did ask her to marry me, thinking that if maybe I did, I could fall out of love with you as easily as I fell in._

_I'm sorry for that Eames. For one thing, it was an insult to your feelings, and second, it was just a plain stupid idea on my part, I mean how could I fall out of love with you when, even while I'm mad at you, I'm loving you more each second? You never said it, but you never had to, I caught you some of those time when you thought I was too absorbed with a case file to notice; you were looking at me the way in a way that said, "You are my heart."_

_I know, because I look at you like that every chance I get, and I wonder if maybe you caught me, and having the same fears, said nothing. I was always afraid of losing you Alex, that's one of the main reason why I never gathered the courage to change the dynamics of our relationship. So, please pull through this, because as long as we're alive there may be something of our relationship to salvage. _

_Love your best friend, _

_Bobby_

For maybe the tenth time just that day, Alex finishes reading the worn letter. It was a crisp, bright white sheet when she took it out of the envelop nearly two years ago, but now it had tiny crescents, from where her nails had ripped through while she clutched it in her sorrow. There are creases where it's been folded, to be easily tucked into her pockets, and there are places where the ink has been smudged, from when she tried to wipe off her tears. Every once in a while, the staff here try to pry it our of her grip when they see her reading it, saying some crap about how she'll feel better if it was put it storage with the rest of the stuff that used to have a place in her apartment, in her life. Alex knows she won't ever feel better, weather they take away her last link to Bobby or not, so she screams and kicks them away, and hides it in her fist at night when she curls up pretending to sleep, to make sure no one tries to take it from her.

Here comes one of them now, dressed in those almost glowing ill-green-teal-whatever outfits that sharply contrast the dull, mostly undecorated, walls of the place that is now her home. Plastering on a fake smile, the greenish shirt announces in a too-cheerful tone, "Alex, you have some guests!", before running off to harass someone else.

In stroll her guests, the woman saying evenly, "Good afternoon, Alex."

Like she has done since the day Deakins came to see her after Bobby's funeral, Alex remains silent, barely looking at the woman and almost-toddler cooing in her arms. Dawn sighs, this is what Alex always did when someone visited; stare blankly out of the window with no view except the desolate courtyard she never ventures near. Dawn comes here, and brings little Robbie, because Bobby's captain told her that it's good for Alex to see the baby, which might just be the truth. The only time Dawn has seen the sorrow come close to fleeing Alex's eyes was a couple of time was when she held Bobby's son, but most of the time she ignores him too.

Dawn remembers coming here with a coworker of her late husbands', Mike Logan. She had watched as the man had solemnly repeated what he'd told her on the drive over, that because the one lead they'd had had dried up, the investigation into Bobby's murder was being abandoned. She had watched when, after a few quiet moments, Mike nervously looked at Alex. When after a full five minutes her expression had not changed from that of someone far away, Mike had gone to her, and gently gripping her shoulder, had said with tears in his eyes, "Good-bye Alex."

As they swiftly marched out of the building, Dawn timidly asked Logan the question that had been killing her in the room, "Is she going to be okay?"

She thought Mike wasn't going to answer her question, but when they reached his car, instead of getting into the drivers seat right away, he looked at her and whispered, "No."

Dawn is pulled back to the present when Robbie spots his "Auntie Alex" and waves his chubby arms in her direction, practically begging to be held by her. She's shocked when Alex turns her head slightly in their direction and holds out her arms for him, but after a brief pause, Dawn hands over her baby. The former detective holds the eager baby in her arms, gently pulling her long hair out of his tiny fingers.

As Alex looks into light chocolate eyes, she's pulled back into her body, and for the first time in what feels like an eternity now that she thinks about it, she feels something. A new emotion, and if she didn't know better she'd describe it as joy, but it can't be; she's not allowed to feel good anymore... However, regardless of of what she believes she can or cannot feel, she has to acknowledge that at this moment, for some reason, there is something in her heart that isn't grown of sorrow, and in truth, she doesn't really want to question why or how it's there. She just knows that the pressing weight that has been suffocating her for too long, is somehow being lightened.

Dawn doubts if she's awake, but after blinking a few times, she smiles, knowing the sight before her is very real. Her husband's last partner is playing an endearing game of peek-a-boo with the baby in her lap, smiling with a warmth that has not been present about her ever since Bobby left. Tentatively, the two continue playing for the remainder of the visit, Robbie giggling with glee because his over-sized toy is finally reacting to him.

For once, it's with regret that Dawn takes of the time. Interrupting the pair, she reaches for her son as she announces, trying to ignore Alex's disappointed expression, "Visiting hours are over."

While Robbie struggles in vain to return to Alex, Dawn looks back from the doorway with a rapidly-turning guilty conscience, saying hopefully, "Alex, we'll be back same time next week, okay?"

It doesn't surprise her when she gets no reaction, but it breaks her heart how Alex's arms are still in the position where she had been hugging Robbie.

Alex gazes straight in her lap, right where the chortling baby had been, until the hears her door gently close. Suddenly exhausted, now that her company had gone, Alex lays down on her bed, and curls up in a tight ball. As her eyes become glued shut, and she's pulled out of this world, she ignores the growing pain in hr chest, instead thinking back to the other time she felt this icy and tired, and how Bobby saved her...

_Alex awakens cradled in a cocoon of warmth and love There is a gentle light and even gentler hands massaging her shoulders, neck, everywhere. Purring contentedly, she rotates her body, facing whomever it is that's wonderfully touching her. Her eyes open lazily to view a kind, satisfied grin, on a face she thought she'd never see again. "Bobby...", Alex sighs, reaching her hands across to press on his chest. Tracing them up to his face, she sobs, "I thought I lost you forever."_

_tears similarly falling form his eyes, Bobby pulls Alex even tighter against himself, whispering into her hair, "I thought I lost you..." _

_Pulling her Bobby's face down, Alex kisses him, conveying more of her of love and relief that he's here with her than she ever could have with words._

_: Aeonian Winter :_

James Deakins sets down the phone resignedly. When Angie comes up to put her arms around him, and asks "What happened?"

Turning around in her embrace, James holds onto his wife as he summarizes what Alex's father just told him. "She's dead, her doctors don't know-", pausing for a deep, not-truly-that-calming breath, he continues, "Don't know how it happened. They just found her an hour ago."

Through her pain, she tries to console her husband, knowing that he'll likely take the death of this former detective even worse than he had taken Goren's. "They're together now."

**THE END**

**Note: **Thanks again to all who reviewed, and I hope this ending justified you taking your time to read previous chapters. I tried to make the ending more hopeful than the whole story was, but I'm not sure how that went... So anyways, please leave a review for this chapter and tell me what you think of it.


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